Lately I’m finding that most of the time, I am subconsciously waiting for another moment. What moment? Any other moment than what is happening right now.
I will be on my way to work, already dreading the actual day of work. Forget that I’m at ease riding a bus, I could be thinking of a thousand other things or even working on something. I could be meditating and calming my mind to prepare for the day ahead. But instead I sit and dread what’s not even happening yet.
I will be at work, clocked in and waiting for my next break. Forget the fact that at every given moment I can be connecting with another human being, unexpectedly making someone smile and brightening both of our days. Instead I’m sitting and waiting for a break that isn’t happening yet.
I’m finally off work, I’m excited, and I’m on my way home. After working 7 hours for another company I’m excited to finally put some time into my own career and dream. I’m back sitting on the bus, anxious to be home already so I can get to work. Once again I spend a span of time waiting for a time that isn’t happening yet.
I am home at last, I have fed myself dinner and now I have a few hours left before I need to call it a day in order to get enough sleep to be able to function the next day. I’m finally working on my craft, but my mind is still, even now, elsewhere. I’m worrying about the next day, worried that what I’m working on isn’t perfect yet and it’s discouraging thinking about how much work it still needs. I’m thinking about if all of this will be worth it, if I’m good enough. I’m wondering why my work doesn’t look the way I envisioned it. I’m finally at this ‘moment’ I’ve been waiting for and I’m still not happy. I’m still not present. And before I know it, it’s time to sleep. The moment has passed. And I spent it worrying about things that are not happening.
A mantra I have come up with to save myself from living day in and day out in this ridiculous mental routine is this: “Stay present. Stay with me.” Even during the most mundane moments, the annoying, the tedious —these are when it matters most to stay present. The only time that has been promised to me is happening right now! I am in control of how I want to be, to see and to think in any given moment. I can’t always control what happens to me, but I am always in control of how I move through that situation.
If it so happens I am able to achieve being present, constantly, at every moment, that is when I can finally enjoy my life. That is when happiness stops being a faraway destination but instead a way I have chosen to live.